Tidal Waves

One month has passed since our daughter took her last breathe and the emotions continue to pound our hearts like endless tidal waves cresting salt filled tears that have no end.
The layers of our pain have been somewhat pulled back, like curtains revealing a site rarely seen, but the agony of losing Mayleigh is not the only pain in which we are having to deal with.
Many issues have surfaced that have caused a more painful experience than anticipated and for whatever reason it is beyond our control. Honesty and restraint have been held back to avoid the levy from breaking but a full collapse has been anticipated for quite some time. It was just a matter of time  before a flood would ensue and unfortunately for us, that time is now.
The sorrow and pain we have been consumed and swallowed up in has been taken over by a different kind of suffering and It all has brought us to what we thought was a spot we could never reach and that is depths even lower than we currently reside. We are numb, confused and most of all crushed beyond all comprehension.

We are holding on to our daughter's celebration day by a thread as we can barely contain the feelings of anger and frustration that have consumed us. The day we celebrate our daughter's life needs to be filled with nothing but pure love and pride for our amazing sweetiepie who fought valiantly and touched the lives of so many. I continue to have strangers tell me that our story has made an impact in their lives and they know full well the tale of #MayleighStrong. I always feared that if anything ever happened to her, who would even know? How many people would give two shits if she was gone from this planet? There were times where I felt not even family cared. We would go months without calls from anyone for ourselves let alone our daughter. Being that we live so far away it's hard to get to see family but with all the communication means you would think it wouldn't be to difficult but for whatever reasons, time slipped by. Until she was diagnosed (and even after induction) it was a very frustrating subject but I think in a similar situation such as a new boyfriend or girlfriend; the shine and sparkle of something new eventually fades and it's luster begins to diminish.
I take responsibility for doing the same thing and have many resentments and things I would love to have changed. I wanted a second chance to show Mayleigh just how much I could love her and how the level of appreciation for her must grow tenfold. I know she felt this in the hospital and I am so grateful to get that opportunity to let her know that I failed her at times. She deserved better and I apologized for all the wrongs I put her through. I just wanted her to know that I could do better and that she deserved better and in the end I am confident she knew her daddy would be there for her no matter what!

I know at times in her life she felt like Mom and Dad were somewhat controlling but what kid doesn't? I think every parent would tell you the same thing in that they were just trying to protect them. Whatever rule or thing they couldn't do was purely out of love on most occasions but sometimes a little compromise could have went a long way (on both sides). We were a lot alike and we would have our moments of head butting but she always knew she was my sweetiepie and I would clear mountains for her.
Still, this is very hard to understand when trying to gain your independence and she barely had a year of it before she was thrown right back into the arms of mom and dad. And this time she had company, which proved an even more difficult challenge than expected. Ian disliked parental figures and would prove to be taxing to speak with in regards to respect of our home. Mayleigh would have to be the go between and on most occasions it was very difficult to always put her in the middle of this sometimes frustrating situation. She didn't deserve to deal with this on top of chemo and radiation and we would continue to have many more confrontational interactions over the course of the year. Mostly ended in complete disrespect and disregard for our wishes. Out of respect for Mayleigh alone, he was allowed to stay but if anything, I did appreciate that he at least held a job and was taking care of her financially and somehow emotionally.
But this was a direct result of having that independence and then losing it. A product of "you gotta do what you gotta do",and at that point in her life, after coming out of induction, she needed to be in a safe, clean environment and in our opinions; under our roof so WE could take care of her. It was hard to communicate and feel comfortable prior to diagnosis. It took us 3 months to find out what was going on with her and during that time she developed some very strange symptoms which no one had an explanation for. We would want to see her every day and for more than a few minutes; we wanted to be there for her every second as we were all getting scared this was something far more serious but they were still living on their own so it was lots of phone calls. Needless to say our fears were hit head on with a diagnosis of cancer.

As her father, I have owned up to my wrongs. I have beat myself up more than anyone else ever could. I know I could do better and for that reason alone, I can live with those decisions. I was a great father in that I told her I loved her every day of her life. Sometimes obsessively, just as Camille and I do. I worked my ass off to give her everything she ever wanted. I wanted to spoil her every birthday and holiday and I think we did a pretty good job at it. Most importantly of all,  we let her be her own person and that was to be a unique, one of a kind, lovable, artistic, brave goofball with a passion for making others happy and giving those she loved all that she had. We couldn't be more proud of the women she became! <3

Shortly after getting home from the hospital the day Mayleigh passed, I received a Facebook message from an old wrestler I coached that was a foreign exchange student from Portugal. We have remained friends ever since but he wanted to share a story with me.  I didn't think their was a chance in hell I could feel so good on the worst day of my life but Fred gave this old man exactly what he needed to hear that day and I will forever be grateful for his kind words.

This is my story of Fred Barrahona followed by his heart felt letter:

In 2013 I was given the opportunity to coach wrestling. I always loved wrestling and I did very well as a youngster considering we didn't have high school wrestling where I grew up. We did have a club team though and I continued until my junior year. But other sports like football began to take precedent and there were very few matches for high school kids as they were burnt out from a long season already.

I wanted to be a coach like nobody's business, and when I finally was given the chance I was elated. I dreamed about this opportunity. What I would do if I got the chance to implement my own ideas & regimens; to build not only strong physical body's but tough, morally fit minds. Respect being at the top of the list as it's a lost art these days. But I was determined to do what ever it took to shape those young men and women into at best good people.

In my 2nd year I was given the opportunity to instruct a young foreign exchange student named Fred Barrahona. Fred was a first time wrestler with very little skill but charisma seeped out of every pour. He was the ladies man, the funny man and many times I was wondering if he was really going to take this serious or was he wanting to just put on a show. While I found him amusing, when it was time to work I meant business and he didn't seem like he was all in from what I remember.

Not only did Fred make 2015 a great year for me though, he also made it very challenging as a coach when it came to awards. I also had another wrestler that had much more success. Won many more matches. Worked just as hard in the mat room. And in fact, they wrestled each other exclusively as they learned to push each other to their limits. THey would bleed on each other, hurt each other and bath in each others sweat pools but at the end of the day... They were brothers in the mat room. And little by little, week by week. Fred began to grow as a wrestler.

I could see it in his eyes and his determination was like no other. He had changed dramatically from the first day I had laid eyes on him and he had proven to me that he had exactly what it took to win not only on the mat, but off.
Fred was awarded the heart of a champion award that year and he proved it to be true day in and day out. Not only did he work harder than anyone else in that room, but he did it with a smile on his face and love in his heart. I knew all along he was a one year and done kid due to being an exchange student so I was already sad knowing I wouldn't get the chance to coach him ever again. I would think anyone that had the chance to enjoy Fred on their team that year knew he was a down to earth guy who gave 100% in everything he did. I will always remember him and the joy he brought me that year.

Hey Larry,
How have you been? Missing the portuguese heart of a champion i guess😹, or maybe just my stinky underwear.
Let me tell you a story... 4 years ago, a small kid decided to visit the world. He had no idea where to start, so a friend of his decided to help him by telling him her own story about a crazy country on the opposite side of the world where she had been on her senior year. That story had so many details and small adventures within, that the two friends talked for the whole night long.
In the morning, when the sun touched the 8 am... He was certain of his future. He was going to the USA.
When he got there he felt that he was living inside a movie cause basically everything was "like the movies" but he soon realized that this new reality wasn't fully describe in the movies or series, there was more in this strange creatures called the americans than what he thought on first hand.

He made friends, he met girls, he was introduced to many new teachers, coaches and colleagues, he even had a new temporary family. Everything was going around his mind with the culture, language, history, background. And he took all of 3 months to establish and start really living that life not just as a stranger but as it's own (just like his friend told him).

And right when he started living as an American, the second term started, and with that comes the big decision... Basketball or wrestling. He loved contact and he was also horrible with that basket thing so he made up his mind and chose to be a wrestler.
There was one problem tho, nobody told him that there was a crazy coach with some crazy workouts and trainings and long runs and chicken walks... Waiting for him in the mat room. Yess that man is crazy.

For 3 months he worked his butt off, stretching and stretching his limits, sweating more water than what he thought he had, bleeding from his nose more times than he had ever bleed. And the more he worked the more he failed to see how different he was from the first day he stepped on that yellow mat.

It's on you Larry, that small kid is a different grown man today cause he was lucky enough to cross his path with your path.

He's now stronger mentally and physically because he was brave enough to follow your advices and trust you even when he felt that your advices weren't easiest ones.

That's who you are coach, you're the man that makes other people find qualities that they didn't know they had. You're a man that pushes people to the limits so they see how far can than go. You're a man that can love everybody even a strange portuguese kid that wanted to learn how to wrestle, and embraced him as your own.
Coach, on this unhappier times i'll try to make the same thing for you that you did for me 4 years ago. And the best thing i can do is to pray for you, for your family and particular for Mayleigh and her salvation.

I'm very sorry for your loss and i hope you all recover well.

I really miss you all and hope to see you soon, maybe in the mat room😅

Best regards

Fred Barahona

I didn't get the chance to go out how I wanted to and I was just getting started but coaching definitely changed my life. To have the ability to inspire a young mind and watch someone grow from your lessons is truly a powerful experience. I most likely will never get this chance again but as the old saying goes in the NBHS mat room. What I had I gave, what I saved I lost forever.  Thank you again Fred. Our paths were definitely crossed for a reason and you've proven time and time again you have the heart of a champion! <3