It's hard to believe it's already been nearly a year when Mayleigh started seeing signs of change in her health. Although it took till about April for her to come to us with concerns, she was noticing some light symptoms even as early as March of last year. For what it's worth, she could have already had her first cells growing inside her as early as this same time last year which is just mind boggling to think about. Time seemed to stand still for the 3 months it took to try and find the answers to her issues and since her diagnosis, it's been a whirl wind of blurring weeks and months.
Any time ones personal space becomes a shared space, you can be sure that there will be some conflict of interest. Having previous freedoms and familiarity altered to fit the requirements of another is sure to bring about some form of emotion and or frustration. Anyone who has had a roommate can most likely relate to this change of space. Even if it is family; to go for a period of time with a particular regimen then be thrust into indifference of habit is bound to bring a level of sighs and head shaking.
While problematic this can become, lack of communication is usually the culprit when it comes to long term issues such as this and by being able to discuss these issues and potential conflicts we are able to have a cohesive, respectful relationship that has benefited us all greatly. I think everyone has their moments of needing space, trust and comforts but it takes an invested interest in each other to make it work. We love Ian and Mayleigh so much we will do anything to make sure their future is a success and that includes providing them a stress free environment that does not worry about cancer cause like I've said from the beginning.. losing is not an option.
I'm not sure when it all began. When the changing of a year started coming with a reset button. To turn the wrongs to right, to lose what you have gained, to get back to the way things used to be. Even though we all grow in some way or another (sometimes sideways unfortunately :P), it seems as if most would like to turn back the clocks and forget about it all; including positive events that may far supersede any of the negative that may have occurred.
Why is it that people often tend to cling to the negative moments of life? Considering they hypnotize us into disliking ourselves by creating anxiety's, paranoia and lack of confidence it would seem like an obvious choice to stray away from these pitfalls. I myself have thought many times that I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and dog gonnit... people like me!.. yet I still question, contemplate and fear for lack of acceptance foremost when it comes to my thought process. Many times I overanalyze and worry for no reason other than I can't shut my brain down and take a break from beating myself up. I am by far my worst critic and will find ways to knock myself down or make sure there is no pedestal beneath me. I do feel I am humble in most cases and never want to feel over confident or even arrogant. Yet there is a fine line between those two words. If only there was an easy way to boost pride without effecting ego...there's probably a pill for it I'm sure. Regardless, I know I am not alone in hearing a doctor tell you to avoid stress, anxiety, something about coffee and other words I can't recall. But how is it that we have created so many things that have simplified our lives yet our panic is through the roof? I've heard of more people having panic attacks in the past 10 years than I ever did in the prior 20. I'm not even sure I knew what a panic attack was until my early 20's. Now, nearly everyone has either suffered through one or know's somebody that deals with them on a regular basis. And even if it's not panic, people are dealing with anxieties in other ways too such as misophonia . thanatophobia or even worse novinophobia.
Alas my point for all this rhetoric...(or am I just being long winded and should shut my trap? arghh... the struggle is real folks! )
Even though one of the most horrific things we could ever think to happen has effected our lives, we are continuing our journey on a perfectly paved road that no one has traveled upon. We are in control of our vessel and nobody is going to take away the good that has come about through all of this. We may forget those moments easier or find a way to replace it with pessimism but ultimately the things we need to focus on are #1 making sure Mayleigh and Ian are provided for and #2 we beat cancer.
Mayleigh continues to be in remission after getting another bone marrow aspiration and was able to take somewhat of a break off from the multiple chemos this past couple weeks. She is preparing for another round of cytarabine though and we are not looking forward to this as it's been a bit rough on her blood counts. We've all been sharing a very nasty cold as well but thankfully Mayleigh's counts are actually doing very well at the moment due to again no chemo. We will provide another update as soon as we get into this next protocol but so far so good! Thank you again for all the well wishes, thoughts and prayers this year. We cannot say it enough that we are blessed beyond our means with love and support!!! <3
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